Extract from Germer and Neff 2013
I read an interesting article by C. Germer and K. Neff this week, they write about self-compassion and how an individual benefits from self-compassion. That self compassion has a ripple effect toward improved relationships, and an overall improved sense of well-being for an individual.
I see self-compassion being different to self -care. Self compassion benefits others as well as the individual creating a positivity in many aspects of a person's world. Self care has the connotation of individualism, it can have the intention of self without the effort to benefit others in our wider community. This can lead to negativity. What is self-compassion?
Self compassion draws on elements of kindness, a sense of commonality and humanity, and mindfulness. With these elements a self-compassionate mind can develop toward self and others. Self compassion is so important when considering our personal inadequacies, mistakes that we may make, and how we see our failures, as well as when we are facing painful experiences and suffering from things outside of our control. It is about being kind to ourselves. Accepting ourselves exactly as we are, flawed, beautiful, and sometimes suffering beings.
With self-kindness, we can soothe and nurture ourselves when dealing with our pain and suffering. Instead of anger, when life falls short, the conversation we have with ourselves can be without judgement and we can do for ourselves’s what is necessary. Sometimes, a therapist is needed to help guide and support a person through this pattern of thoughts and behaviours.
Self-compassion recognises that suffering is universal. Everyone suffers. We are not alone in our suffering. Our imperfections make us human but when we look at our struggles we can often feel alone and isolated. We forget that our imperfections and failure and fear and imperfections actually are normal.
When we remember that suffering is universal, that others also suffer , we can feel less isolated when in pain. Self pity is not self compassion. Self pity is when we become immersed in our own problems and forget that others have similar problems. Self pity is ok for a time and quite human! With self- compassion we recognise that we all suffer and then our mind becomes less narrow and more connected to include others in our thinking outside of ourselves.
What is mindfulness? The word is used so widely today similar to ’stress’ but
do we really know what it means?
It is turning toward our pain, turning toward our thoughts , turning toward our emotions and seeing them for what they are. Not suppressing or avoiding emotions through any number of things we choose to avoid or suppress eg alcohol food, being busy ,drugs and so on ....
Mindfulness can create a space - a mental space - to enable feeling difficult feelings, and with support and guidance working with a therapist, greater clarity can unfold, to unpack our perspective and create and foster equanimity (a wish for the well-being of others). Research supports that self compassion increases resilience in a person. There is definitely a link between depression and self-compassion, anxiety and self- compassion, stress and self-compassion and the the lack of. Self compassion does not mean to push the negative away or to replace it; but by embracing the negative; knowing that the positive emotions will arise from embracing the negative. This may need the support and guidance of a professional therapist to create a space for venting, normalising, and validating a clients emotions to this realisation. When a person practices self-compassion they may see that their inter-personal relationships also benefit. That there can be more emotional connection, an acceptance of the way things are, of being more supportive in a healthy fashion whilst having the ability to be detached, and not co-dependent, having an authenticity, and a greater sense of well-being.
There are mindfulness self-compassion programs but if this is not available to you, a trained professional therapist in mindfulness and wisdom based therapy can support and guide you in sessions to re-train thoughts and behaviour that can be the cause of suffering. Using evidence based cognitive behavioural therapy to explore the core psychopathology of the causes of suffering; and explore the path toward freedom of fear and attachments that perpetuate the suffering. I really enjoy being with my clients as they explore and unpack the causes of suffering for them, and move toward freeing themselves on a path of wellness. It is a great privilege to work with women who have health or mental suffering, anxiety, depression, general stress, relationship stress, carers, palliative care and support. Kingscliff is a beautiful community with many health professionals dedicated to the well-being of their clients. We work as a team of doctors, dieticians, nutritionists, naturopathic, psychologists and psychotherapists for the benefit of our clients.
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