“ Yes, everyone says to be kind to myself but how do I find time ? I cannot go out, I’m working, have the kids, no money, have to work or do housework. I have no time to be kind to myself. It drives me crazy when people say be kind to yourself, you have to come first. They don’t understand what it's like I don’t have time to be kind to myself let alone get everything done. How can I do anything I don’t even get to have a shower on my own let alone be kind to myself ? No-one understands its so hard. I feel so lonely “
A remake of a conversation from a mother with two young children,. She is young with great drive and ambition but exhausted with what seems an insurmountable workload, feeling alone with life demands, depressed and anxious
How to share knowledge about self compassion is much more challenging than the knowing !
So, it is important to understand self compassion and what is it ?. It is kindness towards self of personal inadequacies, of making mistakes, of failures, of struggle and kindness in the face of emotional and physical pain.
Instead a kind thought of ‘ you are doing the best that you can, can replace the ‘should’ that causes pain and inadequacies. With self compassion mindfully acknowledging that we all suffer, that we are not alone in aloneness. Feeling lonely and empty at times is universal. Having a mindset that is inclusive of others can make a person feel less alone and less negative in mindset.
No judgement, no avoidance or repression, just be. Accepting with little or no judgement can help provide insight. With self compassion a person can suffer less because it helps one to thrive in the face of suffering. Her self criticism and high sense of achievement in the frame of perfectionism is a strong indicator of the present anxiety and depressive symptoms
With self compassion we can increase the soothing system being feelings of safety by increasing oxytocin and increasing a secure attachment. With self compassion we do not push away the negative or replace but acknowledge the emotions as being valid and important. In what seems an irony positive emotions can be generated by embracing the negative ones. By naming the negative thought, observing, accepting and letting go rather than the use of aversion in its many forms
Whereas self compassion is about positive judgements relating to self because we are human beings not because we are special or above average that we do not have to feel better than others to feel good about ourselves can result in more emotional stability.
The suffering can arise from comparing self with what should be, how she should be feeling, how she should be coping leading to self rumination, depression and anxiety. Yet, if she were to be kinder to herself and not necessarily by a western view being a holiday etc but by using self compassion every day could help her feel more safe, accept herself and others, avoid any self judgement and in turn helping to reduce her suffering and it’s causes ……
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